being sad…


It makes it hard to write (or think) about anything other then the source of your sadness.

The source of my sadness is a dead baby.

Really, it was only a gathering of cells, not an actual baby yet, but it would have been.

And it makes me sad that I never got to meet it.

Ironically, I got a negative pregnancy test a week before the ER told me I was knocked up. (That’s not actually ironic, ironically.)

So, obviously, I had a sneaking suspicion that we had accidentally made a baby.

Before the negative home test I kept thinking, “I think I’ll get concurrent care with an OB for this pregnancy.” Meaning, I wasn’t feeling comfortable with just using my home birth midwife like I had for Emie’s birth. Also meaning, I knew something wasn’t going to be quite “right” with this pregnancy or baby.

Now I’m almost feeling guilty for those early thoughts about a less then perfect baby.

Honestly, when I thought about it, my mind went immediately to Down’s Syndrome and the possible heart conditions that go hand-in-hand with it.

I would also think fondly of the face of a little boy with the distinctive features of a child with DS.

I did not think I would miscarry.

I didn’t expect it.

I expected to love and cuddle a baby with a difference. I expected the beauty, struggle, and life change that would come with a special needs child.

I was already embracing how this would change me and my little family before I took that negative test.

So when they told me I was indeed pregnant, I already felt like I  knew who I was miscarrying.

I think it broke my heart.

It’s still breaking my heart.

And it fucking sucks.

Also- I may be a little crazy. Just FYI.


One thought on “being sad…

  1. 😦 I didn’t know you had a loss. I’m so sorry, Beckie. I know what you mean about not feeling quite right. I felt like that with this pregnancy before I found out about the SCH. Like, totally knew something was going on that wasn’t supposed to. Do not feel bad about that and don’t feel like you’re crazy for knowing that something was up. You didn’t jinx yourself. Something just gave you a warning and you were able to sense it. And you’ll get to meet the baby again in the afterlife or another life or all over again… see you later, not goodbye. ❤

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